Childlike Self

As a child I was always weird. I liked playing alone. I talked to myself. I had these deep quizzical conversations with myself that I can still recall. I was super sensitive and an animal lover. I liked Barbies and wearing boy clothes. I was my own self. It's funny how we lose sight of that through the aging process, and how life experience can change us into someone that we don't even recognize anymore.

The split of my parents, and the death of my dad a few years later, changed me. Obviously. I was 11, impressionable, and also super sensitive, remember? I went from being carefree to feeling the weight of the world on my tiny shoulders. From talking to the blue sky to crying alone in my room listening to some Emo band that connected to my anger hoarding soul.

But I'm not getting into the sob story of my childhood because as I have grown older and much, much wiser, I know that my childhood does not define me. I don't use my experiences to make excuses. Not anymore at least. And that is what this post is about. The journey of getting back to my true self.

I recently decided that I wanted to be my own friend. I decided that I'm going to stop calling myself names and letting my thoughts rule my life. I decided that I am good enough, I am smart enough, and if I keep thinking otherwise then the universe is going to keep delivering exactly what I'm constantly dishing out to myself. Negative thoughts produce negative actions. And so I'm here, trying out this spiritual journey.

I started experiencing this connection to my body and mind through power yoga. *cue eye roll*

I used to think all of this was bullshit, and to my own defense I was seeking a connection with myself before I stepped onto a yoga mat. I didn't step on a mat and all the of the sudden decide to be true to myself. I was searching for it and became closer to it through practicing yoga.

"When personal growth becomes the most important thing in our lives, we become committed to giving up our excuses and limiting thought like "I can't" and begin to find a way."
   -Baron Baptiste Journey Into Power

I find myself wanting to get back to my child like self. Giving up on the fallacies of society, finding the pure heart that I was born with, looking at the world full of possibilities instead of letting unrealistic limits hold me down. Being the person that I believed I would be when I was just a child.

A person with a pure heart and loving soul who didn't need much except the acceptance of those I loved. And maybe a hug. Yes, definitely lots of hugs.

Why I Will NOT Be Viewing 50 Shades of Garbage

           There are a few reasons why I am not jumping on the wet panties bandwagon for "50 Shades of Grey," but the foremost reason is because I am happily engaged to the love of my life. Automatically you are rolling your eyes and thinking that I am uptight and ridiculous for not seeing a movie just because I'm 'in a relationship.' Or you may be thinking that my fiancé has some sort of influence over my decision not to see it—wrong on both accounts. My decision not to see this film, or worse, read the book, is because I’m not into BDSM. *Gasp*

          If you are, that’s great, that’s fantastic, I am truly happy for you and whoever you’re with if you are both enjoying what you’re doing. Who am I to judge what turns someone on? It’s just not for me. Pain does not scream sexy to me. Being tied up, gagged, spanked, slapped, choked, etc., seems a bit demoralizing in my eyes. I would hope that the person I love would not want to see me in pain, or more, get off on it. If you think pain is sexy, and if you like it, then like I said, keep on keepin’ on, but be sure your partner feels the same way.

         I am a personal trainer and I train high school girls who have told me they are going to see this movie, who are excited to see this movie, and I have to ask myself, “what kind of message is being sent to young girls?”

         I have not read the books but from my understanding, the girl Anastasia, is a virgin. Are young girls going to go to this movie and think that in order to please their man they must feel pain? That’s what BDSM is, right? Pain for pleasure? And I’ll say it again, if you’re into that, that’s fantastic, but I can guarantee you that 95% of the women going to see this movie are not into pain. And the percentage may be ever higher than that.

         Sure, you go buy some furry handcuffs and an ass tickler but I bet you won’t be taking it to the BDSM extreme.

         The fact that so many women are squealing over this movie really just makes me want to vomit. I'm literally embarrassed to have a vagina today, haha!

         Sex for a man is very visual, that’s why many of them turn to Internet porn. It’s not about the emotional connection for them; they just want to see something that turns them on.

         For women, our sexual pleasure comes from an emotional standpoint. We want to feel a connection in order to feel pleasure. The women reading this series of books are becoming emotionally invested in Christian Grey, the exact same way all teenyboppers felt about Edward Cullen in Twilight. You may argue that it’s just fantasy, it’s just a book, and you’re right. It is a fantasy. A fantasy you are having about another man. You are making comparisons to your boyfriend, fiancé, or husband. You are questioning your partner's ability in bed and wishing for something more exciting. As for the single ladies, they’re building up expectations for their future significant other based off of a character in a porn novel. A PORN NOVEL.

         Women are going to be lined up with their girlfriends just dying to get in to the movie to squeal, and ‘oh and ah’ over Christian freaking Grey. Someone hand me a brown paper bag.

         What would you do if all of your men were lined up with their guy friends to view actual pornography? Many of you would find it disgusting and pathetic. Well, I’m sorry ladies, but that’s just how you look. You’re flaunting the fact that you’re viewing porn.

         The movie may not show either of them ever climaxing, but let’s get real here, you all have read the books, and the only reason they do not show them having an orgasm is because the ENTIRE book is a porn and therefore if they put it all in the movie, the movie would be a PORNOGRAPHIC FILM.

         I have no interest in reading the books and I never have and I love to read, I just don’t love to read garbage. I’m all for some Nicholas Sparks romance stories, but a book based solely around BDSM? No thanks.

         Happy viewing ladies, but I really hope you take into consideration how it makes you look. I really hope you think about how your significant other feels, even if they say they’re secure with their sexuality and that they’re not worried about a stupid book or film. I really hope you think about how you would feel if they tables were turned. I chuckle at the thought of all the tears and yelling that would go on if our men were trying to pull this one over on us. The box offices would surely fall short in earnings because all of you would be saying, “If you go and see that trash it’s over!”  

         My decision not to see this movie is not based off of religion even though I believe God’s word about lusting and what really counts as cheating in God’s eyes, but more so, my decision not to read or view anything "50 Shades of Grey" is because I respect and love my fiancé. I value his opinion, his feelings, and I value my own self-respect. I value how I am seen by my future husband, and lusting over Christian Grey’s whips and gags is not how I want to be seen by him, God, or society. Simply put, I would be ashamed and embarrassed to be standing in that line for movie tickets today.

         I will be spending time with my fiancé at dinner tonight and I’ll probably talk him into watching some sappy love movie at the end of the night that he'll only agree to watch because it'll make me happy. On second thought, knowing him, he'll probably happily watch it because he'll be ecstatic that he has a woman who makes decisions for herself, and that won't be standing in line with the rest of these crazy women today. 

         I wonder how many Valentine's Days will end in a fight? Shall we take a pole? I hope you don't expect your man to get you a teddy bear and some chocolate after you go see this movie...

        Think about your men ladies. Think about yourself. Think about your daughter (future or present) and how she views herself and her sexuality. 

       Just think about it...

        

        

You're Still Here

Fourteen years seems like a very long time to most people, even to me. 

But when I think about the last time I saw your face or heard your laugh, fourteen years seems like yesterday. 

I've missed you more at certain times in my life, when I've felt like I really needed you the most and you weren't there.

 This year has been one of them. 

As I embark on this journey in bodybuilding a fire is lit inside of me.

I got this from you.

You would be so incredibly proud of the amount of weight I can put up, Dad.

Your scrawny little tomboy is a member of the National Physique Committee!

Funny, I know.

You entered me in my first beauty pageant and always tried to get Brindy to be the bodybuilder...

little did you know it would end up to be me.

The older I get the more I realize how much I am like you.

And with every similar characteristic I smile,

knowing you're still here.

You're still around.

In me.

In Brindy.

In her eyes, and in her build, I still see you.

You're not gone and certainly not forgotten.

In 12 days I step on stage for the very first time.

And for all of the moments that I've felt alone on this journey,

You'll be there with me,

In me,

cheering me on.

So in memory of you, on this day, the day you were taken much too soon,

my workout is dedicated to you.

August 20th, 1959-

April 29th, 2000

I love you, Dad.

Beautiful

This morning as I reflect on life I am reminded of how precious life really is...

If you know me, you know that I do not need reminded of something like this, as I have seen enough heartache in my short life to last an eternity. But we all need reminded of how quickly things can be given, and how quickly they can be taken away in order to keep us humble and worthy. Let us not be drug to the bottom by sadness but lifted up by the beautiful things that surround us.

The entirety of my journey thus far has been motivated by pain and sadness, of rejection and fear, of guilt and unworthiness, but I have learned how to channel those emotions into something beautiful into something that I hope is inspiring and motivating to others.

Today, I celebrate the life of a beautiful friend whom left this earth too soon. Today, I celebrate the love of a beautiful anniversary for my sister and her husband who have been through more in the past 3 years, than most marriages of 25. Today, I celebrate the tiny, beautiful life of my pup/child, Marley, as he turns 6 today.

The highs and lows of today's emotions could swallow me up and spit me out as they have in the past, or they can add a few bricks to the solid foundation that I am building for myself under my own two feet. I choose to stand on a solid foundation.

I will only let the sadness of Kayla's death affect me in a positive way. I will not pretend that we were best friends or that I've known her forever, because we were not and I have not. But what I will say is that she touched my life with kindness, and that to me is beautiful and worth celebrating. Every time I saw her she greeted me with a smile and a hug and that is how I will forever remember her.

My heart is heavy that I could not do more for her, say more to her...

She took her life shortly after reading and sharing my blog on her facebook page. I cannot help but wonder if I could have said something more profound that would have helped her understand that her life was beautiful and not worth taking... but I cannot dwell on that, will not dwell on it. I find peace in knowing that she read my words that day, that I was on her mind, that maybe in some way I helped her find peace with her Best Self, but I will never know for sure until we meet again one day.

Life is always going to throw punches at us that we may feel we cannot get back up from, but we can. No matter how many times you are knocked down on your journey, you have the choice to stand back up. If you feel that no one around you cares whether or not you get back up, you're wrong, someone does care, many people care. As human beings we do not reach out in the beautiful way that God intends for us to because we're so consumed with our own life stressors that we put everyone else around us on the back burner. So if we learn anything from today, from Kayla's beautiful life, that it is to be more selflessly beautiful towards others.

You never know what someone is facing behind closed doors, be kind, and above all -- live BEAUTIFULLY.

As for today I will pocket my sadness and remember Kayla as the spitfire that I so admired. I will lift up my sister and her husband on their journey towards parenthood that seems to be a never ending road. I will fill the empty hole in my heart where Marley has been absent from my life at this current point and I will find joy in knowing that he's safe and happy while mommy works towards being her Best Self.

Life is not easy, nor should we expect it to be. Never regret your journey because it has brought you to where you are today. If you are unhappy with today, then work on making tomorrow better, and if you find that your still unhappy tomorrow then you must work at it every single day until you reach the beautiful destination that was intended for you.

YOU ARE WORTH IT

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

In Loving Memory of Kayla Houston

Him

I knew the moment I was faced at a crossroads what my decision would be. Up until this point I had doubts, I had uncertainties, but they all disappeared the moment I stopped and seriously asked myself, "Can I live without Him?" And the answer was so simple it seemed unreal.

 No.

To everyone else on the outside, I looked crazy, maybe even irrational, but I didn't care. Everything about Him was what I had been searching for my entire life. Every dream I had as a little girl, He completed.

Him.

He was everything.

Now, if you knew me at the major "turning point" in my life, if we must call it that, then yes, you probably think I'm crazy. You probably think I made a rash decision that I'll regret later in life. But the best part about this amazing revelation is--you don't really matter in this equation.  :)

This is about me.

My awakening.

When I first met "Him" I didn't like him. I was at a stage in my life with a guy I had been seeing for almost 6 years and I was ready to take the plunge. Although there were difficulties in our relationship, it could work. I could be happy.

Then I really started to question myself. Was just being happy enough?

Our relationship wasn't perfect, but what relationship was? Everyone had disagreements, everyone fought, of course I knew that, but for the entire duration of our relationship I was always questioning it. Yet here I was, ready to accept a proposal, and not only that, I was practically begging for it!

That sounds pathetic now looking back on it, but I'll irrationally justify it by stupidly saying...I thought a ring would fix it.

ERR, WRONG! 

But here is what it all boils down to. I was fed up. Day in and day out, fighting over this stupid commitment symbolized in the shape of a circle with every girls' best friend--a diamond--sitting on top of it. All of that fighting for one stupid materialistic object that I was so determined that I needed.

And it CLICKED!

I didn't want him anymore, I wanted the ring. I wanted the symbolism of the commitment that I couldn't get out of him.

I spent so much time obsessing over this object, this thing, thinking it would fix our problems, and when I finally snapped back to reality I realized that nothing was going to fix our problems because we were the problem.

Us.

Although everyone saw us as the 'it' couple, the 'perfect' couple, they only saw what I wanted them to see. They didn't see what I was sacrificing to have that image.

I wanted to be the couple that everyone envied. So, no matter how mad he made me, or how much I was lacking in the emotional department with him, nobody was going to know. I made sure of that.

But this is where it gets interesting...

Destiny. Fate. God. Whatever your belief, it happened to me.

After a couple of our mutual friends bailed on a planned night out, I was bummed. I needed a distraction and didn't want to go back home. So although I didn't really care for him all that much, I decided to text Him anyway.

He agreed to still meet up which was a little awkward because neither of us had ever really spoken much more than a mumbled hello to each other in passing at the gym. And I don't think either of us even wanted to acknowledge the other but did so only for the fact that I worked at the gym where he spent most of his time.

Fate had pushed us into a blind date of sorts...

This is the moment I remember vividly while sitting in the wine shop, sipping on my cucumber vodka water, waiting on Him.

I was reminiscing in a way. Thinking of all the things I wanted and needed in a man, asking myself why my ex couldn't be those things for me, or more, why he didn't want to be those things for me.

But, I was thinking 'you know, it would be nice to just have a conversation with a guy who's interested in what I had to say, truly interested'.

And then He walked in.

Although I tried not to, it was hard to ignore his beauty. Man, was he pretty to look at. *sigh*

Totally not my type, though.

He came across as arrogant and cocky, and totally not the relationship kind, and not even remotely looking to settle down, which was a shame, because he was damn good looking.

I won't say it wasn't slightly awkward the first couple of minutes but I was pleasantly surprised with how easily he settled into a conversation with practically a stranger. What was even more shocking was that someone I thought acted so arrogant, didn't even want to talk about himself, he wanted to talk about me. He wanted to get to know me, and it was so genuine that I couldn't help but become more interested in him.

We talked and talked and I almost forgot that I hadn't liked him before this conversation. It felt like we had been friends forever. I trusted him.

Laughter came easily, and by the time a couple of our friends decided to come out, I looked at him and said, "Do you want to go play some Xbox and just hang out?"

The look on his face was priceless.

SCORE!

He definitely thought I was a cool chick. *smirk*

I won't mention how badly I whooped him because I'm sure he'll read this :P

The rest is history. He became my best friend that night and we started dating shortly after. And, while my assumptions were correct, he wasn't the dating type, I believe he made an acceptation for me because we both felt it.

Fate. Destiny. God.

And while our relationship hasn't been easy because of outside factors disagreeing with how quickly I moved on after such a long relationship, He has stood by me. He has lifted me up. Comforted and cared for me. Protected, and practiced a patience I've never seen before. And when the world seemed to be coming down on me, He held up the roof and allowed me an escape.

I can never put into words how grateful I am to have had Him come into my life.

A blessing.

My love.

The happiest I've ever been in my entire life.

God sent me a wake up call when he brought Him into my life...

Being comfortable with just being happy wasn't enough for me, and God knew that.

He showed me that you can have your childhood fairytale...

That fairy tales do still exist,

and chivalry isn't dead.

And even when it's hard to close one door,

what you'll find when you open another,

is worth every second of self-doubt,

every second of second guessing,

every tear.

Finding your soulmate

A.K.A 

swolemate <3 

(gym partner for life)

is worth fighting for.